Could you tell us a little bit about yourself Julie?

I am a 62 year-old professional. I have always worked in industry and have always worked full time until a few years ago. I now work 3 days a week (and I am loving the extra balance this gives me)

Before you started the Dating Evolved Group Program, what was your relationship situation?

I lost my husband in 2017. He had suffered a brain tumour before we married in 1999. He was cured but the intense treatment left a price. He was epileptic and spent his last 5 years in a wheelchair, with daily carers for his last year. We somehow managed to have two wonderful daughters during all of that and loved each other very much, despite the challenge of daily life.

The experience of those 18 years gave me strength and independence and I was initially happy single. My daughters were both teenagers and still needed support. I had a busy job, and in an odd kind of way, life was simpler (travelling without wheelchairs, no care to fund etc). At first I was just happy to enjoy that simplicity, but as time when on, I thought that it might be nice to have a partner.

What do you think were your biggest challenges in making that happen? 

I was a little nervous, scared of being bored in a new relationship and tied in. And I was very scared of being intimate again (not least, I would need a totally new drawer of underwear!). I had tried a bit of online dating but very unsuccessfully. I thought that all the men who approached me had audacity for the act – some couldn’t take a decent photo, many couldn’t spell, and most seemed very out of condition!

I came across Mairi, initially inspired by her background in evolutionary biology (I started life in biology too) and decided to join Dating Evolved. I knew I needed help!

How do you feel the Dating Evolved Group Program helped with this?

The Program helped me to stand tall and realise that there was likely a guy out there for me, I just needed to cut through a lot of others to find him. I learnt about how to spot those to avoid and also how to present myself online. I realised that it was a numbers game and knew I had to keep going with the online approach. Despite having a good social life, I just wasn’t meeting single guys.

Did the Dating Evolved program deliver on its promise of teaching you how to identify, attract, desire, and find the man you needed for a great relationship? 

Yes it did. Most definitely. It gave me confidence most of all, I realised that I was not alone and it was super to sit alongside other lovely single women, sharing stories. It made the journey more fun.

 

Were there any particular modules that resonated? Any lightbulb moments? 

I very much liked the early modules learning about how men and women differ, especially, what most men are likely to be looking for in a relationship, and what types to avoid.

It was helpful to think formally about what was important for me in a guy. What I could and couldn’t live with/without.

The module on mate value was really useful. I recall the moment of recognition that as a woman of 60, my mate value was probably lower than I had perceived. I realised that I may need to compromise and be flexible.

So how did it go with dating after you'd gone through the program? 

After a couple of calls and dates with some guys, I began to get a sense of what I was wanting, what was more or less important to me. I decided to be more considered in who to speak to. I decided to take one phone call (hiding my phone number) and if that went well, one coffee date. The guys who didn’t like the fact that I wouldn’t share my WhatsApp before I had met them in person were increasingly avoided.

Did you experience any challenging situations along the way? 

While I was working through this process, I had periods of loneliness and feeling unwanted. Putting yourself up on a dating site and having lots of guys looking at your profile and inappropriately reaching out can be rather off putting and demoralising. However over time, I learnt to be more determined to stick to my cause, set my own standard and just ignore much of what was coming my way.

Do you feel that the Dating Evolved community was helpful in supporting you? 

I shared several aspects of my story with the group, and was even brave enough to share my deepest challenges. I received tremendous support, coupled with hearing others share their stories, some encouraged by my own openness. The saying ‘a problem shared is a problem halved’ felt very true.

What do you think was the biggest thing you got from the Dating Evolved program? 

Mairi’s teaching, and the opportunity to listen and share experiences of other women helped me feel less lonely.

I know you’ve found a really good guy who you’ve been seeing for quite a while now! How are things are going?

Last September I met a lovely guy, David, and we are still seeing each other (10 months on). It took me some time to work out how I felt about him. But he was rock solid in his commitment to me. He seemed to have decided I was ‘his girl’ from day 1! So I felt it was important to give him a chance. I did and I’ve grown to care for him dearly and enjoy being with him. He’s super thoughtful, creative about what we might do together - and we do lots of things (walks, jogs, films, books, meals out, city breaks, art, theatre, cycling, sailing). We’ve now been on several European holidays together.

It’s interesting to analyse feelings after being single and independent for so long. There are lots of things I’m really attracted to. His energy, his fitness, his half glass full mentality, and much more. The fact we’ve been through similar issues (loss of our partners) is also a draw. I feel I’m mending him, and him me. I know I’ve given him a new lease of life and I feel very appreciated.

He's definitely one of the ‘good guys’. And my story is certainly one of taking it slow and letting affection grow. 

Have there been any doubts or challenges?

Oh yes of course - lots! Building a new relationship as an older woman is quite a journey! David is very different to my late husband, and I worried initially about whether my daughters would like him and be able to get comfortable with him. We also live quite a distance apart and have busy lives. It has been a little challenging to make time to see each other enough.  We’ve both acknowledged how different (and much nicer) it is being in each other's company rather than on the end of a phone!

Where do you see things going with your guy?

We’ve talked about different scenarios for the future but do just try to live in the moment. One thing is for sure, we are definitely committed to seeing each other more and having some fun adventures together.  We are increasingly meeting each other’s family and friends which is lovely. And I feel that I’m no longer a single woman! Let’s see.

How would you describe the change in your life since you went through the Dating Evolved program?

Better, in SO many ways. I have a lovely guy in my life. I have a balanced perspective of what I want from life in general and try to live in the moment as much as I can.

What would you say to other women who are looking for a partner and are perhaps feeling a bit despondent about their chances?

Be business minded about how to find your guy. Online dating for the older woman is not romantic and I don’t think you can be emotional or nervous about it. You have to be objective, strong and take no nonsense. And once you think you might have spotted a guy who is reliable, honest, sticks to his word, treats you like an angel, then invest time and let things grow.

Dating Evolved was a critical part of my journey. The learning and the sharing made it informed, palatable and most importantly fun!