Are you a positive dater?

For many, online dating can be a rough ride. I’ve lost count of the number of women who have initially come to me saying it can never work.. The men on the sites are awful… They get horrible, disrespectful or mind-numbingly boring messages.

But I also have many, many women among my clients who are having a fabulous time with online dating, meeting plenty of nice men and being treated well.

So what are the latter women doing differently?

As I mentioned in a previous post, part of this is not being too stringent or judgemental with your criteria, so that you let more potentially GOOD men through the door. Give decent men a chance to impress you – you might be surprised with the type of man who could make you happy, as plenty of my clients have been!

But another thing to think about is the mindset you approach online dating with, as this can have a massive effect on your outcomes.

For instance, do you say things like:

“All men are just after one thing”

“Men never make an effort to look after themselves”

“Older men always think they can go for women 20 years younger”

DO you say these kinds of things?

I know you KNOW that men actually do vary in how they behave, that there are some good ones – otherwise you wouldn’t be looking for a relationship with one!

But if you keep saying to yourself that men are basically sh*t, then you’re training your brain to think that way. That’s the mantra that runs constantly through your thoughts.

You have to change the record!

It’s so important to approach online dating – and dating in general – with a positive mindset.

Try to be open and friendly and come at dating with the attitude that you’re going to meet good people (although of course then you’ll assess them using your objective criteria). If you approach with suspicion and mistrust and coldness, you’ll almost certainly miss out on the good stuff, and you won’t make yourself very approachable and inviting this way.

Having a positive outlook, and bringing some upbeat energy to the situation will really make it more likely that you’ll spot the good stuff and have good experiences.

After running the Dating Evolved program now for nearly 4 years, I’ve started finding that I can predict, with reasonable accuracy, which clients will be most successful in finding a good guy quickly. And it comes down to their positivity and the energy and effort they put into dating.

To give you a great example of one of my clients who has a lovely, positive mindset around dating I’d like to tell you about Megan*.

Megan and her Pod group have just finished their weekly calls, and on the final call the other night, she was telling us about her online dating adventures.

While she’s learned from the program the signs to look out for indicating the types of men she definitely doesn’t want to get involved with, Megan has a really friendly attitude and makes it her business to put plenty of effort into properly reading men’s profiles and messaging the ones that look interesting. This has led to some great responses and dates with lovely men.

It does take effort though, as she said on our call:

“For every 20 messages I send I’m now getting 5 or 6 back. It can be exhausting – but in a nice way!”

She’s been finding that what she puts in messages really makes a difference, not only to the chances of a response, but of the quality of the response – even when it’s a “rejection”:

“I’ve had a lot of responses back because I’ve taken the time to do what you were suggesting which was to pick out specific things in their profile to mention, and when I do that they respond with a nice message, even if it’s just to say “thank you for your lovely message but I’ve got a date with somebody else”. But even that in itself is nice because they’re kind.“

Talking to decent men online can restore your faith, as Megan found, and help you develop an “abundance mindset” which is so important for healthy dating.

But of course, while it’s great to approach with positivity and friendliness, we do have to have objective criteria to rule out the players and the scammers who are undoubtedly out there.

Megan says:

“I’ve had to learn to be more discerning because I am usually quite easy going, and that’s something else I’ve learned over the last few weeks of the program – how to set my boundaries.”

Now she knows that when she meets a new guy, although her gut is saying “wow, he’s amazing…” her objective rules might tell her "not this time".

“So I’ve learned to be able to pick the wrong ones out and say thanks, but no thanks – nicely!”

A key part of finding a good guy though, is putting in the time and energy, and Megan’s taken this on board.

“I think the biggest message I’ve been getting from you is YOU GET OUT WHAT YOU PUT IN.”

“I know that’s very obvious”, she said to the group, “but I wasn’t making enough effort before and I’ve taken the advice that you’ve given and put it into practice over the last few weeks. And can I tell you all something… IT WORKS!!”

“So I now find myself at the age of 67 – I’ve just had a birthday – at the age of 67 I now have more dates and more choice of men than I’ve ever had in my whole life! So, you know, it’s nothing to do with age girls – we’ve still got it!”

Too right!!

I feel confident that she’s going to find a great guy (she may already have!) and have a lovely relationship, because Megan is a positive dater.

So, if your mantra around online dating is far from positive - try to be more Megan :)

Are you a positive dater? Let us know in the comments below.