Are You Waiting for the Universe to Deliver Your Man?

I must admit I get a bit mad when I hear the phrase, 

“If it’s meant to be, it will be”.

Or as they say here in Scotland: 

“What’s for you won’t go by you”.

It's very convenient, isn't it? It takes responsibility out of our hands so we can blame the “Universe” if things don’t go exactly the way we want.

It’s also total bullsh*t.

The reality is that if you don’t take the course of your life into your own hands, if you don’t take action, then plenty of stuff will indeed “go by you”.

You know this is true. Unless, that is, you have a philosophical aversion to the idea that humans have free will. Or you believe in magic.

But if you’re living in the real world, you’ll know that to achieve your goals you need to make some effort. And that goes for meeting a good man, just like any other of your ambitions.

You need to make opportunities.

I know this. 

After years of not ending up with a good guy, I decided to change things. I decided to develop a scientific strategy around the way I looked for men. And part of that meant being more proactive.

So then one evening a friend of mine (let’s call her Kate) asked me to go with her to a singles night in a pub in Edinburgh. I have to say, it didn’t really appeal. It was a cold, wet, January night. I was busy and tired. I didn’t like the sound of it – kinda outside my comfort zone. But, I was following my “new way” to find men. 

I looked in the mirror and said, 

“You’ve got to give yourself opportunities Mairi”

I literally said that to myself. Yeah I know - weirdo.

Anyway, I donned a nice outfit, took a few deep breaths, and off we went into town. I didn’t know it at that point, but this evening, that decision, would change my entire life.

That’s because it was in this pub that I met the man who is now my husband. The love of my life. It could have so easily not happened.

Just turning up for the singles night wasn’t enough though. There was more action I had to take.

When Kate and I arrived in the pub we went over to the bar to claim our complementary glass of fizzy stuff and turned to survey the scene. Dotted around the place were single guys, each at a table of their own like a bunch of lekking birds, staking out their own little territories. How on earth were we supposed to make contact with any of them?

I spotted Rob (now my husband) at one of the tables nearest the bar. I thought he looked nice – worth talking to. But I must admit I didn’t fancy just marching up and introducing myself. Eventually a group of other women came in and stood on the opposite side of his table, and so I went over and started chatting with them, and then found a way to side-step round the table to start a conversation with Rob. Isn’t it mad, the social manoeuvring we feel we have to perform!

Anyway, the point is, if you don’t make this sort of effort – often good things just don’t happen. Yes, you might get approached by men, but often they’re not the kinds of men you want to get to know. The good guys often hang back because they’re maybe not so confident; they care what people think, they’re more respectful.

So that means you need to be more approachable to the decent men – give them a bit of encouragement!

• Get off your phone and make eye contact – a lot

• Stand or sit somewhere near him, with an open body posture

• Smile at him

And if he doesn’t approach you there’s nothing stopping you from making a move – it’s the 21st century after all.

Just the other day I was thinking back to that fateful singles night and I wondered if my husband would have made a move if I hadn’t. He’d previously told me he spotted me come into the pub and liked what he saw.

So I asked him, 

“If I hadn’t come to speak to you, would you have approached me?”

He thought about it for a bit.

“Actually… maybe not”, he finally answered.

Wow.

It’s scary how easily I could have missed the opportunity to meet the man I’m now so happy with.

So the question is, what might you be missing by not taking action? How can you increase your opportunities to meet good men?

The take-home message here is: Don’t wait for the universe to find your man for you. Take control of your own destiny and make your own luck!

Go girl :)

Mairi Macleod PhD