5 Ways to Get Over an Ex - and be open to a new relationship

Dating Evolved is all about giving you good dating advice – how to find a man you can be happy with. But to be in a healthy place for dating, and to be able to give a good guy a chance, you’ll need to get over any exes lurking in the background - even in your mind.

Why so important to get over an ex?

It’s because if you’re thinking about your ex, often focussing on the good things and leaving out the bad stuff – the stuff that meant it didn’t work out – then it’s going to be really hard to be open to a new relationship and to be able to let your feelings develop for a new guy.

And if you do meet someone new, you’ll likely be making unfair comparisons.

Maybe your ex is someone who really got your pulse racing, maybe he was super-gorgeous, perhaps he was incredibly charismatic with a fabulous sense of humour. It might be that you felt really proud to have him as your partner when you were out and about – your friends were envious.

Presumably though, there was something about him that didn’t work out for you, some reason why you can’t be with him now. But you’re thinking about all things you liked about your ex. So then when you meet a guy who might suit you a lot better and would be able to make you happy – if he doesn’t arouse your feelings in the same way as your ex from day one – you’re going to see him as lacking.

The new guy doesn’t stand a chance.

It’ll be especially difficult to let go of your ex and be open to a secure guy if you have an anxious attachment style. People with this approach to relationships have a highly activated “attachment system” which means they fall for a man quickly and they fall hard – even if the said man isn’t good relationship material. So for the anxiously attached it’s extra difficult to move on and turn your attention to someone else. If this is you, you likely have a tendency to prioritise what you see as exciting qualities in a partner rather than someone who can give you a secure relationship, and this will increase your tendency to focus on an unreliable ex.

So what can you do?

How can you get over your ex and be open to meeting a good man?

1. Think about why things didn’t work out with your ex

Think about what went wrong and why it’s not going to be possible or even desirable to get back with your ex. Maybe he was super-intelligent and you enjoyed fantastic intellectual conversations with him, or he was a fun extravert and life-and-soul-of-the-party, and so you find yourself thinking:

“I’ll never find someone else like him”.

But think about what it was about him that meant things didn’t work out. Maybe he was abusive, maybe he was unfaithful, maybe he made you feel bad about yourself – and so then you can think:

“I never WANT to find someone else like him!”

Write stuff down – it can be really helpful to organise your thoughts by putting pen to paper. Write a list of reasons your ex isn’t good for you. Talk to your friends and they’ll remind you of why it couldn’t work out with him. They’ll likely have a more objective view, since unlike you, they aren’t being influenced by the neurochemicals associated with attachment when making the judgement.

2. Get your mind off your ex

Once you’ve completed step 1. above and have established in your mind that your ex is NOT a viable option, try to do things to keep your mind off him.

This means not stalking him on social media, it means not asking mutual friends how he’s doing, and not going to places where you hope you’ll bump into him.

According to dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT), “emotions love themselves”, and they make us want to act in ways that make them stronger. So to dampen down that emotion of love for or infatuation with an ex, we need to do the opposite of what the emotion is telling us to.

So when you feel like spending the evening mooching indoors, watching a romantic movie, drinking wine and thinking about HIM – try to do the opposite. Go out to that party your friend invited you to even though you don’t feel like it. Chances are the latter will be much more fun than you expected, and staying alone at home will just make you feel worse and more fixated on your ex.

Detaching from our ex is harder to do than to say, that’s for sure. But if you can consistently distract yourself from thinking about him, you can gradually quieten down your attachment system, and it will become easier to move on and think about new people.

3. Boost your social support

If you have good close friendships, or close relationships with family members – people that can be really “there” for you - you’ll be a lot less tempted to obsess over and pine after an ex. It’ll help even to socialise with people who aren’t necessarily in your inner circle, but are people you like spending time with – and you’ll increase your chances of meeting a nice new man too.

We all have a need to keep our “emotional capital” topped up – that energy we must have to face the world and deal with the sh*t life throws at us. As our stores of emotional capital get depleted, if we don’t have some good sources of social support to top it up for us, it can often feel tempting to contact our ex for a quick fix – even though we know that’s bad for us. Help yourself avoid this temptation by fostering a healthy friendship group and a good social network.

This means investing in your social relationships. Spend time with friends, phone your sister, go to parties and social functions even if you don’t feel like it. This will pay big dividends because the quality of your social relationships and the support they give you correlates well with the amount you invest in them. And this will help you move on from an unsuitable ex so you can be open to getting to know a good potential new partner.

For ideas around increasing your social support, see this post.

4. Boost your self-esteem

Good self-esteem is essential for moving on from a relationship that didn’t work out, and particularly for being able to get out there and know that there’s something better for you.

But of course if you’ve been through a bad relationship or a difficult breakup, there’s a good chance that your self-esteem is at an all-time low. Or you might be thinking (about your ex) “There’s nobody else available for me – I won’t find anyone else – I should just stick with him.”

NO! Don’t go back to a bad relationship because you think there’s no-one else. There’s always someone else!

It’s worth realising that there are other options out there – there ARE some decent men, and all of us can be attractive to a selection of them – men who like our particular unique qualities. We’re all different and we all like different things. Research shows that our unique quirks are far more important than conventional beauty in being attractive to the men who are right for us.

And it’s well worth getting out of our comfort zones and taking a few chances, baby steps at first if that makes it easier. So change your routine, try a new class, try a new hairstyle or outfit, go to a venue on your own where you can talk with strangers, visit a new city, have an adventure! Any of these things can help increase your confidence and self-esteem so that you know you have what it takes to take on the world again and meet someone new.

5. Focus on what you Need as opposed to what you Want

When you’re ready to start dating again, focus on what you NEED in a man to make you happy – not what gives you that “spark” at the start. So this means prioritising a secure guy who’s willing and able to meet your needs, and has shared values with you.

We have a habit of giving far too much importance to the “chemistry” we feel when we first meet someone, instead of thinking about whether or not they’re considerate, reliable, have our backs – and these latter qualities are the ones that’ll ultimately make us happy.

So don’t fall into the traps that you maybe did in the past. Try not to mistake a man’s “blowing hot and cold” for passionate love, and give a good guy time to grow on you. For inspiration you could check out our Client Stories to see how many Dating Evolvers have changed from relying on the “spark” to going for a “slow-burn strategy” and have found happiness with lovely partners.

I hope these ideas help you to draw a line under your feelings for your ex so that you too can be open to finding a great partner for a happy, lasting relationship.

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