Why you're missing the good men

I know there are good men out there.

My husband Rob, who I married when I was 53 is one. Unlike most of the men I ended up with when a bit younger, he’s kind, considerate, someone who’s got my back. I always feel comfortable introducing him to friends and family because I know he’ll be generous and agreeable with them too.

And when my clients get together with men, they’re also finding decent, quality guys – often men they wouldn’t have even noticed before they learned, through the Dating Evolved Program, what it is that they, personally, need in a guy. Now they’re in lovely relationships where they get their needs met.

But if you’ve been following much of the discourse around dating on social media in the last couple of years you’d be forgiven for thinking that there’s nothing out there man-wise but sleazy, vile fraudsters or completely feckless losers with zero emotional intelligence.

For sure there are a lot of men about who could be described thus, and don’t get me wrong – they absolutely need calling out. But sometimes it feels to me that there’s a pressure on women to get on the “ALL men are sh*t” bandwagon. And I think this is making many of us totally miss the guys who are actually decent, and good relationship material.

The thing is, it’s going to be the players, the narcissists, the guys who don’t really care what people think that will be in your face, the ones you notice. And then it seems like all men really are crap.

I’ve spoken with a number of male friends who I’d say are decent guys, some of whom would love a partner, but because of confusion about the mixed messages of today’s culture, they tend to hang back and so women don’t notice them.

On the one hand they’re taking on board the discourse around consent, and not wanting to come across as one of the pushy dudes who don’t respect women. On the other, they have to deal with the paradox that many women expect the man to make all the moves – they want a man with tons of confidence and the balls to call the shots.

We can’t have it both ways.

If you’d like to find one of the decent guys, a bloke who’s going to be kind, considerate, respectful – then it’s going to be important to be a bit flexible in the roles you want men to play, and you’re going to have to be proactive in going after the good guys and giving them a bit of encouragement.

“Playing hard to get” is outdated in today’s culture, and probably never really worked well in snagging the right kind of guy.

So when you’re out and about in a café/bar/event/class, make yourself approachable to the good guys (note that the rubbish guys will have no trouble pushing their way in).

So that means getting off your phone and making eye contact with the guy you’re interested in, have an open body posture, and smile – for long enough to give him the message that you’re interested.

And we have to get used to making the first move ourselves, like the decisive, empowered women we are.

Start a conversation. Ask for help with something.

For example, “Could I ask you a huge favour – is there any chance you could watch my laptop while I go and get a coffee?”

That gives him a chance to invest a little bit and feel good about the interaction.

And if you come across an interesting seeming man but can’t find any way to start a conversation or make contact then you could simply, say “hi” then pass him your card and leave.

What’s the worst that can happen?

Well... nothing – that’s the worst that can happen. But you never know.

One of my clients put this into practice after our session on ‘making the first move’.

She told us in her Pod’s WhatsApp group:

“Well....just did something I thought I would never do. I was in a cafe and there was an interesting attractive man!!! We had caught each other’s eyes a few times. I left but then thought, what the hell - what have I got to lose. I wrote a wee note on one of my business cards, went back and gave it to him!!!!! He seemed quite smiley about it but I did make a quick exit. Goodness knows if he will get in touch. Feeling a bit weird about it now!”

Then a little later she came back with this:

“An update, he responded and sent a really nice message and we are going to meet up!!!!!!!”

If you’re not prepared to approach a guy and give him a signal that his attention would be welcome, you may well be missing out on men that would be great relationship material.

The first time I ever spotted Rob, it was at a singles event in a bar in Edinburgh. He was standing at a table across the room nursing a pint of beer and it was ME who made the move to cross that gulf and start up a conversation.

I’ve since discussed that fateful meeting with him and discovered that because of his reticence about approaching women, we might never have spoken if I’d left it up to him. But I initiated things and now I’m in the best relationship of my life.

Just as well I didn’t have a hard line on expecting the man to make the first move then.

What do you think? Do you have the feeling that all men are a bit sh*t, and if so do you think you can change your mind and be more proactive in encouraging the good guys to come forward?